That’s the word I would use to describe this past semester, breakdown. There are so many ways that I felt something inside me break loose and poison my mind, so many ways that I found myself stuck in the same place and lost at the same time. It’s hard to summarize, especially since last night I spent 9 hours summarizing a courseload to improve my grade. I should have updated more often, kept up with the 365 project. But you see, the word for this semester was breakdown, and that included breaking apart my new year’s resolutions.

I tried to get all the bullshit down that’s been driving me crazy but it’s too much to talk about. My fingers are aching though I’ve only typed a paragraph, as if they were also being torn apart over the past few months. I’m frenzied and crying and feeling sick to my stomach over just the thought of how many emotions ran through me. Even a few months is too short of time to lose faith in yourself, so how can I describe my experience without going crazy all over again?

I want some time in my life to be different and free. But I can tell how desperate I am for change, how unshaky I still am on just my own two feet. I agree with the idea that others can smell and be repulsed by desperation; as a matter of fact, I repulse myself by being so depressed. The summer is just a week old and already I feel like I’m messing up somewhere, missing something. How am I so blind? Why can’t I shut up and listen more than I speak? I’m just a bundle of questions, and failing to find the answers is exhausting.