Lately I’ve been wondering about the natural state of things, because I’m finding that being miserable feels more natural than being happy does. Everything else feels vaguely like a distraction, leading me to that moment in the middle of a good experience when I open and close my eyes quickly, taking a snapshot to convince myself later that I truly had a good time. God knows I don’t enjoy being unhappy, but at my saddest tonight I started to think that this may be what’s comfortable for me. Having a comfort zone firmly entrenched between self-ostracism and mind-bending worry definitely doesn’t sound good to me, but I’ve been stuck there so long that I don’t know how to dig myself out. Worse, I don’t know how to get the motivation to try new things, or old things, because it will be so easy to just waste that opportunity like I always do. I’m surprised I ever got anyone to be in a relationship with me, and to be honest I feel bad that I did that to them. I hope they never felt me pulling them down. I hope I don’t do that to anyone else, though that statement brings up a whole mess of things that I don’t plan on putting on the internets.

What if I read this back years from now and marveled at how much I changed? Or would I do my best to forget forever?